Beauty Salon Mishap
by EspressoMug
Summary: Kouji encounters an unfortunate mishap after being forced to visit a beauty salon for a hair cut. Hilarity ensues. Oneshot, AU, parody, crack!plot.


**Disclaimer: **I, in no shape or form, have any claims on Digimon nor the characters in this story; the only thing I own is this crack!plot.

**Notes: **AU, One-shot, possible OOC, first fic warning, nonsense plot. This resulted from an AIM debate over Kouji's hair and whether the stands of hair in front of his ears were bangs or sideburns. While I concede they are bangs, the topic made for good conversation.

Special thanks my beta reader and the person whom I had the AIM conversation with, Hluo.

* * *

It was midsummer and both Kouji and Kouichi were bored at home watching television. A low rumbling startled both teens out of their daze. Their mother, Mrs. Kimura, walked in with an old

fashioned vacuum cleaner that sounded like Junpei's stomach when he craved chocolate and hadn't eaten in over 24 hours.

Mrs. Kimura heaved a sigh before flicking the vacuum cleaner's switch to 'Off'. "Boys, it's the middle of summer. You must have something better to do than to laze around the house watching re-runs of Japanese Idol."

"Everyone's either on vacation or off at camp," groaned Kouji.

The twins' mother rolled her eyes and sauntered over to the television set to press the 'Power' button. "Really now, there's much more you two could be doing. Kouichi, your room still needs cleaning up. By dinner time, too; and if I find you on your computer, you can be sure you won't be going on that beach trip in two weeks."

"Ah, Mom, it's summer! I can clean it when school starts!"

"Kouichi Kimura! Room, now!"

Kouichi reluctantly trudged up the wooden steps to his second floor bedroom that he shared with Kouji.

Mrs. Kimura, satisfied that her elder son obeyed, turned back to Kouji. "Now, for yo-."

"My side of the room is perfectly so I'm going to return to Japense Idol," said Kouji as he cut his mother off before she could tell him to clean his room as well. He then pushed the 'Power' button on the TV remote.

She once again walked over to the TV set and clicked off the television. "As I was saying, my dear son, before I was rudely interrupted, you need a hair-cut. Go to Yamashita-san at the salon down the block and tell him I sent you."

"What? Mother! My hair is perfectly fine the way it is!"

"Dear, your sideburns are getting a bit too long and you do need a trim."

Kouji sat speechless for a few seconds after hearing his own mother's words. "They're bangs, mom! They are not sideburns!"

"Kouji Minamoto, go get your sideburns trimmed or you're not coming with us to the beach either."

"Mo-"

Mrs. Kimura glared at her son, "Kouji, either you go get a haircut or I cut your hair myself."

As soon as those words were out of her mouth, Kouji grabbed a light jacket and was out the door before his mom could reprimand him again and insult his precious bangs. Bangs, not sideburns.

:

Opening the door to _Kuts & Kurls_, Kouji spotted a plump lady dressed in a floral print dress with a name tag stating 'Yamashita Hotaru' behind the reception desk. He went up to her uncertainly and said, "Um, Yamashita-san? My mother sent me here."

Yamashita Hotaru stared at the boy in front of her. Her eyes lit up with sudden recognition. "You must be Kimura Karou's son, Kouichi!"

"Erm, I'm Kouji." Kouji uncomfortably corrected the bubbly woman.

"Of course you are! Come, come, dear boy. Have a seat right here!"

Ten minutes later, Kouji was sitting in one of the salon's six hair cutting chairs with soaking wet hair and a towel wrapped around his shoulders.

"Hm, now what can we do with your hair?" wondered the bubbly Yamashita-san.

"Nothing at all," mumbled an annoyed Kouji.

Either Yamashita-san didn't hear Kouji or chose to ignore him as the next thing she said was: "Ah! Those sideburns must be shaved off and, ah! That length of hair on a boy of your age will simply not do!"

"Hey! Those are bangs for your information, you ill-informed blob of fat!"

"Shush, child! Let a genius hair stylist do her job!" Yamashita took out a pair of shears and set to work on Kouji's precious navy blue hair.

Kouji could only helplessly stare as the supposed hair stylist started to chop away at his precious bangs and hair.

Sixty-five minutes of torture later and Kouji was still in shock while Yamashita-san praised her handiwork.

"There, all done! That will be 3500 yen!"

Silence passed between the two as Kouji took in his new hair cut.

"M-My-My hair! It's ruined! You cut away my bangs! No one will recognize me anymore!" frantically cried Kouji.

"Oh, you know nothing about high fashion; that's the latest haircut in Zimbabwe!"

"Zee-Zaabab-what?" exclaimed Kouji.

"Zimbabwe!" replied Yamashita-san cheerily and patted Kouji's head.

Kouji stared in shock into the three feet high mirror plastered to the salon wall in front of him. His lovely hair was reduced to a sleek, ear-length bob that was parted down the middle of his head; that he could live with. He could wear a trucker hat for a few months, grow his hair out, and act like this day never happened. No, what was far worse was that the 'ill-informed blob of fat' had highlighted sections of his hair black, red, yellow, and green! This was a fate much worse than if he had taken the job as the mascot of the local sushi restaurant dressed as a piece of fatty tuna passing out menus to the public. This was… this was reputation and image destruction multiplied by infinity plus one!

His shock was quickly replaced by anger and he growled, "You killed my hair!"

"Nonsense! You have the colors of the Zimbabwean flag on your head! It's magnificent! Ryoko, Haruka, come! Isn't this an exquisite haircut?" retorted Yamashita-san.

"Ah! It's just perfect, Hotaru! You're a genius!" praised the two other hair stylists.

As all three women began to coo over his hair, Kouji's anger dissipated; he was now more mortified than when he first saw his haircut. Kouji thought that if he stayed in the salon any longer than he had already had, he would begin to gouge his eyes out. Kouji jumped out of the salon chair and fished through his pockets for 3500 yen. He slammed the money down onto the reception desk and ran towards the exit that seemed to be farther away than he remembered. Just before he threw open the door, he reached to grab one of the customers' hats to cover his hideous hair with.

"Hey brat, get back here with my sombrero!" screamed a half Spanish, half Japanese man behind him.

:

Minutes later, Kouji reached his home with the big floppy hat covering his hair. Now, all he wanted to do was hide himself in the bathroom with an insane amount of navy blue hair dye. However, as if Kouji couldn't face anymore humiliation in the span of one day, his mother was waiting for him in the living door.

"Kouji, honey…," his mother's voice becoming silent as she took in the appearance of the child in front of her.

"Is that a…. a sombrero?"

"…"

"Kouji, take that thing off your head please."

"…"

"Kouji Minamoto, take that hat off, now!"

He slowly lifted the stolen hat off of his head and closed his eyes, not wanting to see his mother's reaction.

"Oh, my, Jesus Christ! What have you done to your hair?" exclaimed a frantic Mrs. Kimura as she ran her hands through the multi-colored hair.

"Me? Mother! It was that Yamashita-san you sent me to. She ruined my hair!" growled Kouji.

"Honey, what are you talking about? Yamashita-san is a man."

"…"

Kouji stood with his mouth agape and eyes wide, staring at his mom; the stolen sombrero fell loosely from his hands.

"Leave me alone!" shouted Kouji as he ran his way up the stairs to hid in his room.

Moments later, Kouichi, who was still attempting to clean his side of the shared room, shouted, "Mom! Is Kouji PMS-ing again? He's staring into the mirror with a football helmet on!"

Mrs. Kimura looked toward the twins' room and heaved a sigh. Afterwards, she made her way to the living room phone, ready to call Yamashita-san at the salon to ask what had happened. However, after she remembered the state of Kouji's hair, she decided that she might be happier not knowing what had gone on in the salon.

"Kouji, take the football helmet off and help your brother clean the room! I'm going to the pharmacy to buy you some hair dye. Be back in half an hour!"

:

Meanwhile, at _Kuts & Kurls…_

A smiling middle-aged man wearing a black beret walked into the salon and over to the reception desk where Yamashita Hotaru sat, reading the latest issue of _People_ magazine.

"Excuse me, I'd like to have my hair cut, miss," said the man politely.

Yamashita Hotaru glanced up excitedly from her magazine to greet the customer. Seconds later though, a pout replaced the grin and her forehead creased together.

"Daddy! That's not funny!"

After Hotaru proclaimed those words, the other hair stylists of the salon turned their attention towards the middle-aged man.

"Welcome back from vacation, Yamashita-san!"

* * *

This was suppose to focus mainly on Kouji's bangs coughSIDEBURNScough but I guess it kind of grew beyond that. Inspired by the show, _Shear Genius_, and an AIM conversation. Hopefully no one lost brain cells reading this.

And if anyone got offended by the Zimbabwean joke, or the sombrero scene, or any of the odd situations or words used… you can reach my lawyer at 1-718-RAN-AWAY . She will gladly deal with your complaints.

Thanks for reading; please review! And please, keep flames to a minimum, I hate smoke.


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